"When a woman calls another woman fat what she means is "you're worthless. Men don't want to fuck you. They want to fuck me but they don't want to fuck you. Haha." When a man calls a woman fat what he means is "I don't want to fuck you so you're worthless." It all comes down to your perceived fuckability. And if no one wants to fuck you you might as well just curl up and die already, you waste of human flesh. Stop sucking up all the oxygen, leave it for the fuckables. At least in hetero-world. Not sure how it works everywhere else"

P. G. Sarus

note number nine

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

sew

hearts with one purpose alone,
through summer and winter
seem enchanted to a stone.

i cant help but feel disappointed.

rain

You will find me if you want me in the garden,
unless it's pouring down with rain.

You will find me waiting for spring and summer,
You will find me waiting for the fall.

You will find me waiting for the apples to ripen,
You will find me waiting for them to fall.

You will find me by the banks, of all four rivers
You will find me at the spring of conciousness.

You will find me if you want me in the garden,

unless it's pouring down with rain.

and then, loneliness.

today i handwashed some clothes, and tidied my room a little. the weather was so off putting outside. so i just stayed in all day and looked out of my window occasionally. and listened to the rain beat against the glass.

i thought about home, and what my family were all up to. i tried to imagine them pottering around the house. my dad in the morning putting on his tie. my mother standing in the kitchen listening to the radio. my sister falling asleep as soon as she gets home from class.
i thought about my family members who had died and i never got to meet. i wonder what theyd think of me.

i went for a drink with D yesterday. it was all going fine and then he came off with something so hurtful i couldnt believe what i was hearing. i said, "you're just the same as my brother". stupid autistic fuck.
I got the bus home in the rain, and P was online. i talked to him and it was all quite heartwrenching too.
then i cradled my dying heart in my hands, and tried to breathe life into it.
i think its in a coma.

empty shells

i had a philosophy lecture today. it was quite boring.
then i walked through the streets of manchester for a while. it was busy. and i used to get quite anxious in crowds. but today, i just thought how transient everyone was. all the people rushing past... they might as well be floating off the ground. everyone seemed like ghosts. lonely souls. it made me feel very calm.

also

i think i will run away to the countryside and read w.b. yeats instead of watching television